Just for fun!
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Two favourite nonsense poems have to be included here. Source unknown. |
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First, a little Latinesk nonsense...
Charlibus, sittibus,
on the deskinorum.
Deskibus, collapsibus,
Charlie on the floorum.
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And possibly the world's only sulphuric acid based gag...
Charlie was a chemist,
but Charlie is no more.
What Charlie thought was H2O
was H2SO4.
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Watch out, this quiet little cul-de-sac could be lethal!
Click the image to find out why.
| Why can't they put USB sockets where you can see them?
More Why can'ts... |
What are you supposed to do...
when your Sat-Nav announces "You have reached your destination" and you quite clearly haven't?
Why is it...
that the little blue sachet of salt is always at the bottom of the packet of crisps,
except when you open the packet up-side-down?
Whose idea was it...
to put an 's' in the word 'Lisp'?
Why is it called...
'after dark' when it really is 'after light'? (Anon)
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Statistics
Statistics tell us that six out of seven dwarves are not Happy. But then again, we hear also that 69% of statistics are made up anyway.
Who knows what to believe?
There's a well-known phrase "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.".
It has been attirbuted to the British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli, but nobody knows whether he really was the first to coin it. Whoever
it was doesn't seem to hold statistics in particularly high regard.
Some (hopefully) more reliable quotes:
Mark Twain :
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
Ernest Rutherford, British physicist (1871-1937) :
If your experiment needs statistics, you ought to have done a better experiment.
John Ewart Hardern Shaw :
Statisticians do it with two standard deviations and 95% confidence.
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Groucho Marx :
Whenever there are not enough
hours in the day, remember:
time flies like an arrow,
fruit flies like a banana,
John Lennon :
Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.
John Lennon :
Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.
Jeremy Paxman :
The early bird may get the worm, but it's
the second mouse that gets the cheese.
Bill Watterson :
Weekends don't count unless you spend
them doing something completely pointless.
Strange facts
Film director Stanley Kubrick once held a pilot's licence but had a fear of flying that meant he rarely left England
for the last forty years of his life.
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Strange co-incidences
The massive development known as Canary Wharf in London gets its name from the days when the docks were busy, and
much of the goods came from the Canary Islands. The strange bit, where the co-incidence comes into the equasion, is
that the Canary Islands get their name from the dogs (i.e. canines) originally found by the Spanish on those islands,
and Canary Wharf is built on the Isle of Dogs.
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Go to Mayfair in London and you will find two Blue Plaques that show that
George Frideric Handel and Jimi Hendrix lived next door to each other. (Not at the same time though!)
The plaques are at 25 and 23 Brook Street, Mayfair, London, W1.
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We liked our Tombola prize and were amused by the words on the box.
Find out why.
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Go to our brand new Blank Page!
Find out about our
Banana Page and why we have such a thing.
Groucho Marx:
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
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George Carmen, representing Ken Dodd during his trial for tax evation:
"Some accountants are comedians, but comedians are never accountants"
Brian Johnston:
Fred Titmus has two short legs, one of them square.
Our Phillip:
What's the point of being allergic to something?
Dan Quale:
Great American sport. Horseshoes is a very great game. I love it.
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Some of our all time favourite, genuine,
headlines that always raise a smile:
Stolen painting found by tree.
Miners refuse to work after death.
Enraged cow injures farmer with axe.
Drunk gets nine months in violin case.
British left waffles on Falkland Islands.
War dims hope for peace.
Police found safe under blanket.
Man recovering after fatal accident.
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With delightful sarcasm,
Computer Weekly
speculates that burglars may benefit from Google's new Street View when
planning how to access a property and also how to leave quickly (and here's where the sarcasm kicks
in) "in the unlikely event of the police arriving".
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Marshal Ferdinand Foch, 1911 :
Aeroplanes are interesting toys, but of no military value.
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Murray Walker:
Katayama can't decide whether to have his visor half open of half closed.
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Marcel Marceau:
It's good to shut up sometimes.
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John Major
Only in Britain could it be thought a defect to be too clever by half.
The probability is that too many people are too stupid by three-quarters.
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Pablo Picasso:
Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot, others transform a yellow spot into the sun.
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Princess Margaret:
My children are not royal; they just happen to have the Queen for their aunt.
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Marcel Marceau:
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"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
Attributed to Charles H. Duell, Commissioner of the U.S. patent office, 1899
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Post (and reply) on the Piano World forum:
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Ronald Reagan:
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency,
even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
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Douglas Adams:
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to
underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
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Douglas Adams:
If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the
possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.
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Douglas Adams:
It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
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Douglas Adams:
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
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US President Ronald Reagan tests a microphone before an interview, not realising that
it's switched on and he's on air:
My fellow Americans. I have signed legislation to outlaw Russia for ever.
We begin bombing in five minutes.
Oops!
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Sometimes a person will make a slip that becomes a famous quote and it's just plain funny. Other times,
you're left wondering, "Huh?". Over to you, Kevin...
Kevin Keegan:
In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg. But leukaemia is worse still. Probably.
Probably?
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Stephen Byers:
Most motorists use roads rather than the Underground or railways.
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Margaret Thatcher:
If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim.
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Margaret Thatcher:
You and I come by road or rail, but economists travel on infrastructure.
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Oscar Wilde:
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
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Real, unedited notes written by doctors.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared completely.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
Discharge status: alive but without permission.
The patient refused an autopsy.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches...
The patient is still under our car for physical therapy.
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Where else?
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Play on names
What has Clive Dunn now?
Was Hughie Green ?
What plan did Tony Hatch ?
Can Robin Cook ?
 More of these
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From a church bulletin:
Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm. Please use large door at side entrance.
Byelaw from Newquay Urban Council:
No person shall walk, run, stand, sit or lie on the grass in this pleasure ground.
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Brian Johnston:
There has been a heavy fall of rain here at Trent Bridge but fortunately it didn't
touch the ground.
George W. Bush:
Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it
is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.
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Better stick to the shower instead!
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Simon Davidson:
They asked me in the physics examination what the Uncertainty Principle was. I answered that
I wasn't quite sure.
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Dan Quayle:
I will work towards the elimination of human rights in El Salvador.
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In a letter to parents about school swimming lessons:
If your child has pierced ears, please ensure they are removed on swimming days.
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Samuel Goldwyn:
Tell the actors to stand closer apart.
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Richard Woolley. British Astronomer Royal, 1956:
All this talk of space travel is utter bilge, really.
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Lord Kelvin (1824-1907):
X-rays will prove to be a hoax.
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Steven Wright:
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
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Rod Schmidt:
I washed a sock, then put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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Could this be the job for you?
This is a genuine ad from a local paper. Can't help wondering what it entails.
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From the East Kent Times:
The evening of clairvoyance has been cancelled owing to unforeseen circumstances.
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IBM's chairman, Thomas J. Watson, 1947:
I think there is a world market for about five computers.
Dan Quale:
The President is going to lead us out of this recovery.
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Scott Adams:
The best things in life are silly.
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Dan Quale:
Welcome to President Bush, Mrs Bush and my fellow astronauts.
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Dan Bennett:
A wife is a person who can look in a drawer and find her husband's
socks that aren't there.
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Harry Hill:
When decorating, I always use a step-ladder.
I don't really get on with
my real ladder.
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Question:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know anything about it until next morning?
Question:
How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Question:
Can you describe the individual?
Answer:
He was about medium height and had a beard
Question:
Was this a male or a female?
Question:
Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Question:
Were you present when your picture was taken?
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Albert Einstein (1879-1955):
If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research, would it?
When you are courting a pretty girl an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder, a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York
and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly
the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
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This town has a public swimming pool and, it seems, a solitary computer!
We failed to understand why this sign was required.
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Spike Milligan:
A man loses his dog so he puts an ad in the paper. The ad says 'Here boy.'
Eddie Izzard:
They say the universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back.
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The mystery here is the age limit...
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We were going to stop at Morrisons and do our weekly shop but...
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Remember:
People may doubt what you say, but they'll always believe what you do. (unknown).
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President Bush, not long after becoming president was asked what he thought he had in
common with Tony Blair.
His reply:
We both use Colgate toothpaste.
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Famous last words of General Sedgewick, 1864:
Nonsense man! They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
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Douglas Adams:
We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works.
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Albert Einstein:
The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once.
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Bill Bryson:
Of all the things I am not very good at, living in the real world is perhaps the most outstanding.
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Ian Botham:
"You're never too old to stop learning"
Remember, if you can keep your head when all around are losing theirs,
you probably haven't fully grasped the situation.
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Click for details.
George W. Bush:
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."
Issac Asimov:
"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries,
is not Eureka! (I found it!) but 'That's funny...’."
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No collection of funnies such as our Just for fun page would be complete without some items from
insurance claim forms.
I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
The car in front hit a pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run so I ran over him.
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